The List of Regrets…
There’s several things that I made up my mind to do when I set out on this journey called life. I told myself (when I was knowledgeable enough to formulate a good thought) that whatever was within my control, I didn’t want to have regrets. I have this image of me being on my deathbed crying out all the things that I wish I had done and didn’t. All the moments that I let slip my, the experiences that I wish I’d siezed. Yeah, I didn’t want that to be me.
As my boss said something to me yesterday and I went back to my desk. It took about 4.3 seconds before I said, “DAMN! That was the PERFECT opportunity to say what I needed to say.” Now I can never get that moment back. And he shall go another week (perhaps month) not knowing how I wish he’d invite me over to play Playstation (but I digress).
Life is full of the opportunities not grasped. The things that we shrugged off thinking that we always would have the time to go back and address it.
And I don’t want to live that way.
I’ve barely made it to my 30’s before I did the mental calculations and realized that my regrets list is quite long. If I had it to do over again, I would have:
1. Gone to college- I SWORE my college life was going to be like episodes of A Different World. When I graduated high school, my mother put on her biggest puppy-dog face and asked me to stay home for a year. Out of sheer stupidity, I did. And the rest is history. Every show that had college experiences in it was watched by me. I’m sad I never experienced that. But I’m sure that God knew if I’d left home, I would’ve never come back.
2. Left my last relationship earlier: My last relationship wasn’t the best. Because I was young and stupid, I KNEW we weren’t supposed to be together, but I didn’t want to leave. I thought that if I loved him right he would get it together. I was scared to admit that I was unhappy. And if I used my parents’ relationship as a guide, then we were right on par. There were fights and cheating, and yet, I stayed. If I could do it over again, the minute he cheated on me, I would’ve been out. I would’ve listened to the angel on the right shoulder that said, “umm, you’re stronger than this. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you deserve. Stop being an idiot.” I wish I hadn’t taken so long to come into my own. To know the things that I won’t accept. And to know that being with someone that won’t cheat on you is NOT a totally irrational request. And to not be afraid to be alone.
3. Been more selective- I go back and forth on this a lot. Some days, I wish I’d stayed a virgin. I hate the issues that happen when sex enters the picture. I hated the phase I went through where I didn’t know if the guy I was with liked (loved) me for me or because I was extremely flexible in bed. I don’t like the doubts that crept into my mind when I wanted to stop having sex so I could be better about my relationship with God. And I don’t like how all these years later, sex is STILL my vice. I don’t want to wield the “power of the p*ssy,” I am just tired of it being an issue. And for a control freak, I HATE the fact that it makes me lose control.
4. Started this blog earlier- I wish I’d listened to my inner voice and started this ish when I had the idea. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear of not being able to keep it up, keep it entertaining, find my niche’, and finding people that understood me kept me silent for a long while. Fear of my blog not being perfect kept me from starting. I hate that I took so long. I hate that I doubted myself. I could’ve had my little corner of the innanets on LOCK and been a household name at this point. Or at least a Twitterworthy #TT. SOMETHING! I wish……
5. Gone to europe- The minute my immigration world caved in, I contemplated moving back to Jamaica just so that I could have access to traveling the rest of the world. I’ve always wanted to move to Europe. England to be specific. I felt that I’d always felt more at home with it’s style, environment, and culture. I stayed in the US, watching my world get smaller and smaller. Witnessing the people around me moving freely. Just sitting and waiting like a loser for the moment that I could hop aboard VirginAtlantic and check out London. See the Eiffel Tower. Smell the flowers in Holland. Trace my ancestry in Scotland. And have an italian man fall in love with me. (I hear they like dark meat) I wish I’d jumped on a flight and left Florida behind.
This list is by no means everything. My regrets list is rather long, but we ain’t got that kinda time (or word count) I don’t want to live in the past, however, I do sit back and wonder how much different my life would be if I’d follow my heart and told everything else to STFU.
It is what it is.
This is where I give you the floor. What would you do differently if you could do it all over again? Even if you’re one of those people that believe that “it’s made you who you are” there’s gotta be something you wish you could change..
You only got one life…
Peace and Love, Nick