The List of Regrets…

     There’s several things that I made up my mind to do when I set out on this journey called life. I told myself (when I was knowledgeable enough to formulate a good thought) that whatever was within my control, I didn’t want to have regrets. I have this image of me being on my deathbed crying out all the things that I wish I had done and didn’t. All the moments that I let slip my, the experiences that I wish I’d siezed. Yeah, I didn’t want that to be me.

    As my boss said something to me yesterday and I went back to my desk. It took about 4.3 seconds before I said, “DAMN! That was the PERFECT opportunity to say what I needed to say.” Now I can never get that moment back. And he shall go another week (perhaps month) not knowing how I wish he’d invite me over to play Playstation (but I digress).

    Life is full of the opportunities not grasped. The things that we shrugged off thinking that we always would have the time to go back and address it.

    And I don’t want to live that way.

    I’ve barely made it to my 30’s before I did the mental calculations and realized that my regrets list is quite long. If I had it to do over again, I would have:

   1. Gone to college- I SWORE my college life was going to be like episodes of A Different World. When I graduated high school, my mother put on her biggest puppy-dog face and asked me to stay home for a year. Out of sheer stupidity, I did. And the rest is history. Every show that had college experiences in it was watched by me. I’m sad I never experienced that. But I’m sure that God knew if I’d left home, I would’ve never come back.

   2. Left my last relationship earlier: My last relationship wasn’t the best. Because I was young and stupid, I KNEW we weren’t supposed to be together, but I didn’t want to leave. I thought that if I loved him right he would get it together. I was scared to admit that I was unhappy. And if I used my parents’ relationship as a guide, then we were right on par. There were fights and cheating, and yet, I stayed. If I could do it over again, the minute he cheated on me, I would’ve been out. I would’ve listened to the angel on the right shoulder that said, “umm, you’re stronger than this. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you deserve. Stop being an idiot.” I wish I hadn’t taken so long to come into my own. To know the things that I won’t accept. And to know that being with someone that won’t cheat on you is NOT a totally irrational request. And to not be afraid to be alone.

   3. Been more selective- I go back and forth on this a lot. Some days, I wish I’d stayed a virgin. I hate the issues that happen when sex enters the picture. I hated the phase I went through where I didn’t know if the guy I was with liked (loved) me for me or because I was extremely flexible in bed. I don’t like the doubts that crept into my mind when I wanted to stop having sex so I could be better about my relationship with God. And I don’t like how all these years later, sex is STILL my vice. I don’t want to wield the “power of the p*ssy,” I am just tired of it being an issue. And for a control freak, I HATE the fact that it makes me lose control.

   4. Started this blog earlier- I wish I’d listened to my inner voice and started this ish when I had the idea. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear of not being able to keep it up, keep it entertaining, find my niche’, and finding people that understood me kept me silent for a long while. Fear of my blog not being perfect kept me from starting. I hate that I took so long. I hate that I doubted myself. I could’ve had my little corner of the innanets on LOCK and been a household name at this point. Or at least a Twitterworthy #TT. SOMETHING! I wish……

    5. Gone to europe- The minute my immigration world caved in, I contemplated moving back to Jamaica just so that I could have access to traveling the rest of the world. I’ve always wanted to move to Europe. England to be specific. I felt that I’d always felt more at home with it’s style, environment, and culture. I stayed in the US, watching my world get smaller and smaller. Witnessing the people around me moving freely. Just sitting and waiting like a loser for the moment that I could hop aboard VirginAtlantic and check out London. See the Eiffel Tower. Smell the flowers in Holland. Trace my ancestry in Scotland. And have an italian man fall in love with me. (I hear they like dark meat) I wish I’d jumped on a flight and left Florida behind.

   This list is by no means everything. My regrets list is rather long, but we ain’t got that kinda time (or word count) I don’t want to live in the past, however, I do sit back and wonder how much different my life would be if I’d follow my heart and told everything else to STFU.

   It is what it is.

   This is where I give you the floor. What would you do differently if you could do it all over again? Even if you’re one of those people that believe that “it’s made you who you are” there’s gotta be something you wish you could change..

    You only got one life…
    Peace and Love, Nick

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Comments
12 Responses to “The List of Regrets…”
  1. sanen85 says:

    I feel like you must of seen my gchat status earlier. I was talking about all the things I’d take back/do over if I could turn back time, but would I really be the person I am if I hadn’t gone through those experiences? Apparently it got Shonnerz to thinking too. LOL Here’s my list…

    1. Traditional college experience. Even though I am trying to make up for it now, I didn’t get to do things the “right” way. With a terminally ill mother that I had to take care of (since my siblings were MIA) and two nieces that my sister abandoned for years in my care, I didn’t get to experience anything remotely traditional in High School, much less college. I got my GED, and later went back for the actual diploma. I did the best I could with the circumstances I had, but sometimes I wish I had been as selfish as those siblings, and I am often ashamed of those feelings.

    2. Marriage. Why, oh why, did I get married? #thatisall

    3. Latest “relationship” – What in the f*ck was I thinking? No, seriously, what was I thinking.

    4. Trusting “friends” long past the point of reason.

    5. Wrong place at the wrong time, not noticing specific warning signs at 18 that had lasting reprecussions.

    Still, I like to think I’m still mighty trusting, caring, forgiving, etc. for the amount of sh*t I’ve dealt with in my life from childhood and beyond, and I don’t think I would be without each of those experiences.

    As for being more selective, every woman will have at least one time in their life where they question if it is how flexible they are, how strong the muscles are down below or how orgasmic the head is. That’s not abnormal, and I really don’t think it matters if you marry and completely trust the first person you sleep with, it still a thought that you have at least once.

  2. Wu says:

    I’ve got a few regrets. Some of them I’m probably safer for not doing but oh well

    1. I should’ve focused more in college. I loved college but I didn’t go about it with purpose until my junior year. I should’ve been the guy in career services, grinding to see what you can do with a history degree.

    2. Joined the military. This was always a dream job. The life style is rough but that was my thing. All of the recruiters I talked with just sounded like poorly trained car salesmen. I also took took in what and who I would lose if I were away for all that time and I stayed in place.

    3. Finished my novels. I’ve got them all planned out between my ears and much of it has been typed but I struggled with staying focused. One day.

    • nicknotnikki says:

      THE MILITARY!?!?!?
      In all our interaction, I’ve NEVER heard you mention that.. Lord haff mercy!

      Finishing my novel is a regret that I have too.. I have two of them planned out in my mind.. But one of them requires more research than I’m willing to commit to (it’s about immigration) and the other one just makes me cry everytime I see my writing.. I think about how amateurish it seems and mark up the pages with red ink..

      #SadnessIsMyMiddleName

      ~Fin

      • Oh yes, the Army was one of my dream jobs but pre-existing depression and violence is no good.

        I’ve found that I have to make myself work on my books. The first follows the main character through WWII. The next deals with his life post war and in Korea, and the third is a prequel about his family during the depression.

  3. Qiana McKoy says:

    The one regret I have is that I let myself get pigeon-holed into a job that I HATE. Like passionately detest. And what’s worse, I saw the writing on the wall years ago and still became complacent.

    That’s why I love the New Year – always an opportunity to start a new year with a new outlook.

    • nicknotnikki says:

      I hope you seize the opportunity in the new year.. I value happiness above a lot of things.. I don’t like spending a lot of my time (even for a good paycheck) in something that I don’t like.. I find that the money cannot make up for the havoc iswreaks on my state of mind.. I can’t imagine waking up in the morning dreading the job I’m going to.. although I’m not in my dream job, my work is bearable..

      I hope you find what you seek..
      And DON’T BE SCARED!!

  4. Starita34 says:

    Man…I don’t ponder regrets too terribly often (except this one that’s too personal to reveal online) but listening to yours rattled more than I’d like to admit to the surface.

    1. Finishing college. I regret that almost daily. I a m7 credit short. SEVEN?! Seven stupid credits…and I can’t motivate myself to finish them…the money and time seem like such a waste. I FEEL college educated, I had the college experience…I just got a job and let a couple classes stop me from getting that paper. It’s ridiculous, but I just can’t go back for some reason…

    2. Probably because I want to go back to school and get an RN. So why waste time and money finishing the Psych major, when I’m just gonna start over again on the RN. Why is this a separate regret? Because I wish I would’ve focused on nursing to begin with…everyone knows there are no jobs for Psych majors! I swear I will teach my children this.

    3. There are some men I wish that I wouldn’t have entertained.

    4. I wish I spoke my mind more freely.

    5. I wish I hadn’t given up on men for so long after one man did me wrong. I’ll never get those years back…

    There’s always 2011

    • CHeeKZ Money says:

      You could have work in HR as a psych major. Also marketing companies hire alot of psyche majors b/c they have an interesting insight into how the mind internalizes advertisements.

    • nicknotnikki says:

      It’s funny because I don’t know when it happened.. But I don’t have much of an issue speaking my mind.. I figure that’s the only way I’m going to get what I really want (feel, etc) heard.. And all who don’t like it can lump it.. I also find that my “I don’t really care what you think about me” attitude helps because then I don’t place much importance on people’s approval.. I used to have a tendency of elevating people to heights that they didn’t deserve…
      NOT NO MO!!

      There’s such a freedom with speaking my mind.. I also find that I can pretty much alter what I need to say in a way to make it more palatable..

      There’s no way that I can talk you into your motivation.. Although, I’m looking at your sideways for letting 7 credits hold you up.. Just get that sense of accomplishment, then work at what you’d really want to do..

      You know how highly the world holds that status stuff.. It doesn’t make you who you are, HOWEVER you can’t put “I feel college educated” on a resume..
      (trust me, I know..)

      2011 is a new year..

  5. CHeeKZ Money says:

    I got regrets like you wouldn’t believe. Sad really, could have had a great life. Need to use this potential

    1)Regret not getting that Ivy League Degree. The respect is carries. Could have had it for free.

    2)Regret not finishing the job and sleeping with more chicks. Nothing wrong with finding love early, but I got scary so many times before thinking I had so much time to get at pussy,

    3)Regret not interning during the summers. I use to be so obsessed with not doing anything during summer vacations. Just relaxing and setting up girls for the fall. But real like doesn’t have two months of vacation, so I should have been preparing for that during college.

    4)Regret not working out after I left High School. I use to love to get Naked, I knew I looked good nude. I would be the first dude skinny dipping, I would whip my d!ck out in a heart beat. Loved showing off. But now I am in the gym trying to work off these man-boobs. SMH. If I had stuck with lifting weights and working out I could have still enjoyed the foods I love, now I have to stay away from them just to live.

    5)I regret not going to Grad school by now… the list goes on and on.

  6. keisha brown says:

    breaking up with the dude that actually loved me and would have made me a wife…

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