Just in case you were wondering (which you weren’t) YES, this IS a rant…

     I’m an observer of sorts. No, it hasn’t been long, but let’s say that since I’ve been “socially” dealing with these sites online, I’ve been taking notes. It’s not just limited to blogs and such, I’ve also seen it in magazines. I’ve noticed that everyone will know the reason why I don’t have a man. They’ll promise to tell the secrets and sell stories and fairy tales and make me believe in unicorns and Brigadoon. It’s a constant barrage that’s reached a frenzied pitch and now, I’m ready to explode! (well, as much explosion as can happen at 1 in the morning)

   Imagine you’re sitting on the seashore and the waves are knockin you the eff over. Everytime you get ready to stand up, another wave comes and says “SADDOWN BISH!” Well, that’s the feeling that comes over me when I read some of these pages daily. These pages will tell me the things that I just have to do (or fix) in order to get (and DO NOT FORGET “Keep”) a man. The thing is, NOW, ya’ll are getting to be a bit murch.

    It’ll be simple things like, learn football, shut up when the game is on, but make sure you have the sandwiches on deck. Be confident but not snobby, ESPECIALLY if you don’t have reason to be. Watch your tone, your voice, your mannerisms, your attitude and watch the sky cuz you might see Kanye pass by. Your hair, hands, nails, feet and body should be checked before you leave the house to run to CVS. I recently read that someone judged a woman by the color she had on her toes (toes?)

       And I wonder if the world has gone bloody mad.

   I should like video games.
   Not expect much.
   Be independent, but not too much because a man needs to lead and still be a man.
   Watch how I wear my hair to sleep (to SLEEP?)
   Take mental note of his “Womanly triggers”** and make sure they never activate.
   Your hair should always look great, but not take too long to get there. And he should always be able to pull it. Not pull it out.
   Do not question him.
   Not stress the little things like him remembering your birthday or things that are important, because after all, they’re little things.
    Be a freak, but not freak him out.
    Be funny, but not too funny. But then again, we all know that women really aren’t as funny as they think they are.
    Be smart, but not too smart because then he won’t feel like a man. 
    Have ass and titties. But a slim waist. Matter of fact, Esther Baxter or Bria Myles, give EVERY MAN I KNOW a call.
   Don’t gain weight. I don’t care if your metabolism stops functioning, you better get you a lapband!
   And be prepared to have my legs stretched and sprawled and splayed whenever he wants. Because GURL, once you start claimin headache, you KNOW he’s takin his horse to another barn.

    These articles will have you believe that all you need to do is stock your fridge and keep the sex available and ready.

   Yes, I understand that the “confident, independent, beautiful” woman wouldn’t let little things like this shift her thinking or hope that a beautiful man will walk her way (and want her) But while many may believe that a woman can choose whoever the hell she wants to sleep with, (and that might be true) at the end of the day, not all of us want that. And I believe that a man has the ultimate decision on who he wants to wife. (unless a particular woman just got it like that. I, however, do not.) Competition has turned minnows into sharks and in some (most) cases, standards are non-existent. I mean, standards have pretty much fallen by the wayside in a lot of other aspects, why not in this area too? It only makes sense.

    You can pretend all you want that men are easy. That all it takes is a good sandwich and a good session, and you will be alright. But you look closer and figure out that what is being shoved down our throats is a series of unattainable goals and standards that they feel they have the right to ask for because shoot, if you don’t do it, the next woman will. While they wait for the imaginary “her.” And damn right, they can afford to. They don’t have a clock that’s ticking. Fish swim forever! You know what happens when eggs get old? They do nothing but stink.
     If I devote all my time doing the things I should do to get a man, then I won’t have time left to get a job (or eat.) 

      One blogger mentioned that he judges women by their phone. Does it really come down to my phone? Because honestly, I haven’t gotten a new phone in years, and on top of everything else I have to worry about, worrying about the phone I carry just makes me say one thing.

      “Eff you.”

    If it really takes all of that, then honestly, I’m not sure I want it. Yes yes, I know that once the right man finds the right woman, all that “might not” matter, but I’m not even sure I’m willing (or wanting) to do it to myself. The articles about “What Black Men Really Want” and “Ways To Make Him Not Cheat” will always get zillions of readers (and comments) because we’re all looking for the reason, some sh*t that makes sense as to why we’re dateless on a Saturday night. Why the NFL knowledge isn’t enough. And why, after all this time, the rings we wear are the ones we bought ourselves.

    “Eff you.”

   For Coloured Girls That Have Considered Lesbianism When His Excuses Just Weren’t Enough…

   Peace and Love, Nick

    **Womanly triggers are those things that can turn every man into a Bitch.. They’re not cute..
10 Responses to “ENOUGH!”
  1. ” One blogger mentioned that he judges women by their phone.”

    Get ’em Nick. As a male who has been blessed enough to have been involved with an awesome woman I just don’t relate to many blogs. I simply don’t care about the relationships of others and I would rather play with nail gun drunk than talk about them.(Guess I’m a sociopath?)

    I haven’t commented on a relationship post in some time I can’t deal with the assumptions/ generalizations involved to speak on it. Throw in some questionable bullsh@@-a@@ stats about whatever and then you have the assumed gospel. Keep playing video games and dominating in Jeopardy,if a dude can’t step up and meet the challenge then oh damn well. Keep on being the Nick you want.

    Good Post. Like I said there are dudes tired of reading the same things. (Did I just generalize?)I’m off to write 5 Reasons black men like the smell of bacon after sex.

    • nicknotnikki says:

      Bacon? BACON!! I actually said this like the dog in the bacon strips commercial..

      I just had to rant.. This post had been boiling up for a long ass time.. I haven’t been commenting a lot of places lately, and there’s a reason why. I don’t want to repeat the argument ad nauseum..


      • I understand. I’m limiting my keystrokes these days too. I file a lot of posts under “Things I have to try to give a damn about and thusly don’t.” I’ve just didn’t bother to rant about them. Blogging can be hard if you don’t repeat the same topics.

  2. Starita34 says:

    HALLELUJER!!! GIRL!!! Yes!!

    I mean I want a man to share my life with NO DOUBT, but the lists are driving my crazy! (Particularly the part where they are ALL invalidated if the girl has whatever “it” factor) In the end, I’ma be me and if that’s not Sexy/Sporty/Mastery/Techy/Slutty/Virginal/Witty enough for you, then you’re not the one for me. Keep it moving!! Sure the numbers are on men’s side, but none of those numbers mean ISH to me. I need ONE man. ONE. I will not be held captive by any statistics.


  3. Starita34 says:

    And this!?!?!

    “For Coloured Girls That Have Considered Lesbianism When His Excuses Why Just Weren’t Enough…”

    I caterwauled!!

  4. MsEsquire77 says:

    *slow clap that builds to a standing ovation*

    Nick, this post is absolute truth and I love you for it! I’m about to forward this link to every single lady that I know 🙂

  5. Miss Jenkins says:

    **slow clap**

    100% feel you on this. I’ve been feeling this same way for months. Great post!

  6. sanen85 says:

    This right here is one of the main reasons I have been scarce on blogs as of late. I love reading the opinions, and can even see where most come from, but all that criteria added together overwhelms my senses. I can’t anymore… I just can’t.

    Also “For Coloured Girls That Have Considered Lesbianism When His Excuses Just Weren’t Enough…” is going up as my FB status. Don’t worry, I’ll credit you.

  7. Reecie says:

    late to the party but great post. I’ve been feeling the same way and I’m actually starting to restructure my e-hangouts because I’m burnt out from this conversation…

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