Just in case you were wondering (which you weren’t) YES, this IS a rant…
I’m an observer of sorts. No, it hasn’t been long, but let’s say that since I’ve been “socially” dealing with these sites online, I’ve been taking notes. It’s not just limited to blogs and such, I’ve also seen it in magazines. I’ve noticed that everyone will know the reason why I don’t have a man. They’ll promise to tell the secrets and sell stories and fairy tales and make me believe in unicorns and Brigadoon. It’s a constant barrage that’s reached a frenzied pitch and now, I’m ready to explode! (well, as much explosion as can happen at 1 in the morning)
Imagine you’re sitting on the seashore and the waves are knockin you the eff over. Everytime you get ready to stand up, another wave comes and says “SADDOWN BISH!” Well, that’s the feeling that comes over me when I read some of these pages daily. These pages will tell me the things that I just have to do (or fix) in order to get (and DO NOT FORGET “Keep”) a man. The thing is, NOW, ya’ll are getting to be a bit murch.
It’ll be simple things like, learn football, shut up when the game is on, but make sure you have the sandwiches on deck. Be confident but not snobby, ESPECIALLY if you don’t have reason to be. Watch your tone, your voice, your mannerisms, your attitude and watch the sky cuz you might see Kanye pass by. Your hair, hands, nails, feet and body should be checked before you leave the house to run to CVS. I recently read that someone judged a woman by the color she had on her toes (toes?)
And I wonder if the world has gone bloody mad.
I should like video games.
Not expect much.
Be independent, but not too much because a man needs to lead and still be a man.
Watch how I wear my hair to sleep (to SLEEP?)
Take mental note of his “Womanly triggers”** and make sure they never activate.
Your hair should always look great, but not take too long to get there. And he should always be able to pull it. Not pull it out.
Do not question him.
Not stress the little things like him remembering your birthday or things that are important, because after all, they’re little things.
Be a freak, but not freak him out.
Be funny, but not too funny. But then again, we all know that women really aren’t as funny as they think they are.
Be smart, but not too smart because then he won’t feel like a man.
Have ass and titties. But a slim waist. Matter of fact, Esther Baxter or Bria Myles, give EVERY MAN I KNOW a call.
Don’t gain weight. I don’t care if your metabolism stops functioning, you better get you a lapband!
And be prepared to have my legs stretched and sprawled and splayed whenever he wants. Because GURL, once you start claimin headache, you KNOW he’s takin his horse to another barn.
These articles will have you believe that all you need to do is stock your fridge and keep the sex available and ready.
Yes, I understand that the “confident, independent, beautiful” woman wouldn’t let little things like this shift her thinking or hope that a beautiful man will walk her way (and want her) But while many may believe that a woman can choose whoever the hell she wants to sleep with, (and that might be true) at the end of the day, not all of us want that. And I believe that a man has the ultimate decision on who he wants to wife. (unless a particular woman just got it like that. I, however, do not.) Competition has turned minnows into sharks and in some (most) cases, standards are non-existent. I mean, standards have pretty much fallen by the wayside in a lot of other aspects, why not in this area too? It only makes sense.
You can pretend all you want that men are easy. That all it takes is a good sandwich and a good session, and you will be alright. But you look closer and figure out that what is being shoved down our throats is a series of unattainable goals and standards that they feel they have the right to ask for because shoot, if you don’t do it, the next woman will. While they wait for the imaginary “her.” And damn right, they can afford to. They don’t have a clock that’s ticking. Fish swim forever! You know what happens when eggs get old? They do nothing but stink.
If I devote all my time doing the things I should do to get a man, then I won’t have time left to get a job (or eat.)
One blogger mentioned that he judges women by their phone. Does it really come down to my phone? Because honestly, I haven’t gotten a new phone in years, and on top of everything else I have to worry about, worrying about the phone I carry just makes me say one thing.
If it really takes all of that, then honestly, I’m not sure I want it. Yes yes, I know that once the right man finds the right woman, all that “might not” matter, but I’m not even sure I’m willing (or wanting) to do it to myself. The articles about “What Black Men Really Want” and “Ways To Make Him Not Cheat” will always get zillions of readers (and comments) because we’re all looking for the reason, some sh*t that makes sense as to why we’re dateless on a Saturday night. Why the NFL knowledge isn’t enough. And why, after all this time, the rings we wear are the ones we bought ourselves.
For Coloured Girls That Have Considered Lesbianism When His Excuses Just Weren’t Enough…
Peace and Love, Nick