When I Grow Up…

     
   For the sake of the argument, let’s say that I’m a little (umm) “stunted” when it comes to relationships. I’ve bloomed late in almost every aspect of the word. Even at my ripe age, I can say that there are things that I have yet to experience. Even though most people younger than I am have already “been there, done that, bought a postcard.”

     This is coming on the heels of hearing (or reading) that a certain blogger went to Europe for vacation. This is one of the things that I have on my list to do once my affairs get in order. I sat back and realized that none of my relationships have been “grown up.” None of them have been the type of thing that I see on Sex and the City. While that is fine, I’m wondering why exactly that is. I can think of a number of factors. One of them being that my last relationship was 5 years ago, and by then we were so comfortable (and broke) that none of the “grown up” things were happening. So I sat down and made a list of things I want to experience in my next relationship.

She don't look like me, but you get the point..

 

   1. Let’s take this to a different area code.

      Sad as it is to say my trips “out of town” with a significant other has been Universal Studios and nothing more. For a while, it didn’t even cross my mind that me and homeboy could go out of the state.  The nanosecond I was free from my last relationship I had the flight to NY already booked. Why didn’t I think that this was a possibility? We’re not going to delve into the fact that I was paying for the trips to Universal. That’s another story for another day.

   2. Let’s take this outside.

      I am really not goin g to settle for someone that thinks that sitting on the couch is the way to be. While I LOVE being home when no one else is there I think that there’s so much that I want to experience in this life that sitting on the sofa is not the business. I am an outdoorsy person. I want to go kayaking, jet skiing, hiking etc. And I want need to be with someone that can dust off the sneakers and do that with me. No, playing ball with the fellas doesn’t count, because while I’ll come and support you, (“Go baby!”) you need to keep your energy up when it’s time for us to do our thing. And yes, this was an actual issue in a “relationship” of mine. He was so exhausted by the time that basketball was done, he’d come home (get my massage) and wanna sleep for the rest of the day. No sir, “nuttin nuh go so.”

    3. Let’s get dressed up. 

     I want to go out. I want there to be “date night.” I want it to be planned, and I want it to be something special. I want to go to plays, and in order to give my next dude a pass, I’ll see the ballet by myself. I don’t need a 4-star restaurant because to me, a steak is a steak, but I do want there to be reason for me to wear the nice clothes in my closet. Because right now, they’re collecting dust and that’s NOT the business.

    4. Can you go away?

    My last relationship was a clusterf*ck cess pool of insecurities and “checkin in.” I’ll often relay just how up my ass my ex was and it makes people laugh. During a period of time, he lived close to my house and he would walk over, RIGHT as I got home from work (which took me 3 busses) and want to stay the night. My next relationship will involve him going home. If I see him twice during the week (and one of those can be date night) then I’m good. The greatest advice my mother ever gave me was rhythm method is a swindle to let a guy miss me. I’ll never tell her she was right, but she was.

    This is just a few of the things I think about because autumn always has me being all introspective n sh*t. Although I have no prospects on the horizon, this is some of my list. It’s very sad when I look at it because this is that stuff that shouldn’t have to be a realization, but for whatever reason it is. At least to me.

    What about you? I know some of you are in relationships. Do you do these things? For those of us that aren’t, is there anything that I missed? DAMN, I can’t wait to grow up!

   See you on Friday,
   Peace and Love, Nick

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Comments
7 Responses to “When I Grow Up…”
  1. Starita34 says:

    *Sigh* I’m in the same boat with you…30 years old 31 in 4 days and still never had a real relationship. The actual acts that you listed I do desire, but more than anything…I just want to experience that genuine, reciprocal affection for one another. Comfort. Security. Future.

    FTR, I like the introspection and deeply personal apsect displayed in this post. Brava.

    • nicknotnikki says:

      UMM!! So weren’t you round here talking bout how I was younger than you.. Only to find out your age and have me be older than you are!
      That’s alright though..
      Reciprocal affection (at the SAME TIME that you’re feeling it) is a beautiful thing.. Although it’s been a while since I’ve experienced it..
      they always wanna be with me when I don’t care for them anymore.. #Eff

      • Starita34 says:

        Giiiiiiiiirl, what had happened was…I was reading multiple blogs at once and got you and Suki’s ages mixed up, OK? You happy now?

        *mumbles* sheesh, puttin me on front street for all the innanets to see…I thought we were better than that Nick! 😉

        Blog fodder right chere–>”they always wanna be with me when I don’t care for them anymore.. #Eff” If that isn’t the story of my life…A likes me, I like B, B likes C *smh* Ain’t nobody happy, just a bunch of letters chasing dreams. Why can’t the one I like just like me?? Is that so difficult? Can you pass that #Eff? Thanks…

  2. BP says:

    I really enjoy your writing as well Nick. It has a flow to it that my brain processes well.

    I think the key to growing is to knowing when change is needed. This list is really on point! I have experienced many things your list holds like traveling abroad with my SOs and experiencing adventures with them but I have yet to feel connected with all but 1.

    I desire to be in a relationship where my feelings are validated CONTINOUSLY by my partner and vice versa. I may be getting too deep and putting all of my business out there but I have expressed before on Max’s blog that I tend to become involved in some superficial relationships. He can take me great places and buy me nice things but is not completely emotionally available. I do not know why some black men have a hard time expressing their feelings openly and honestly. It is like they are petrified to become vulnerable because they do not want to be deemed as weak. However, in my mind the man that can show me his inner feelings openly is a strong man. Everything in time, I guess.

    Sorry for the rant…I hope this all made sense.

    • Starita34 says:

      BP, I feel you, that’s men, and it sounds like a cop out, but really, I blame our society…if men are expressive, if they are emotional, if they are vulnerable all the sudden they are “emo” or acting like a punk, “cupcakin” and so on and so forth…

      And even greater than societal pressure I believe is past hurt. It’s much less about being deemed as “weak” in my mind, more about avoiding pain. Just as many of us have the Him that broke our hearts and changed us forever…many men have that Love that they loved recklessly, that they gave their all to, that they let down their guard with and she broke their heart. And while men don’t seem to fall as often or as easily in love as we do. I do believe that they fall as deeply, if not more deeply when they do finally give their heart. And with every heartbreak it’s even harder for the next woman to gain admittance to his heart and mind. 😦

      But we love them, that’s our only choice and one day, we’ll be let in and do our damndest to show and prove that their heart is safe in our hands. Then we can both stop yearning. Stop aching. Stop searching. And just be.

      #emo as eff! 😉

      • BP says:

        I see/hear what you are saying Star. All I am saying is that I long for my man/a man to be open to showing me his feelings openly and saying EFF society’s views as “normal for a man”. I appreciate your response it was thorough and thought provoking as always.

    • nicknotnikki says:

      It makes sense.. I guess I can be glad that my exes have been there emotionally (one of them TOO emotionally).. But that’s another story for another day..
      I can’t imagine being involved with someone and having to continuously ask him what he’s feeling.. or if he’s feeling anything for me.. UGH!
      It does seem like your love language is different from the love language of the men you’ve been dealing with..

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