The Friendship Fail…

   I’m so exhausted, so please forgive me. . .

   I’m realizing that I have a lot of issues with the people that I call my “friends” (how many of us have them!? Lol!) What I can appreciate is that I have whittled the cast of characters down a bit to maybe 2. I have two good friends that I can call, that I will actually try and maintain a friendship with, and that whether busy or not, I can split an omelette with at iHop. I appreciate them. I have a gas load of aquaintances that pop in here and there, but I don’t need much to make my “friendship circle” complete.

    I say all of that to say this:

    When I was pontificating whether or not to start this blog, a poet friend of mind sent me “motivation texts.” She told me about how I was a good writer (she needs more people) and even toyed with the names of what to call my blog. However, when I finally started my blog (9 months later) the person that wished me luck and gave me my first comment was @pinchmycheekie, a woman that I met in the comments of VSB. A woman that I had never met face to face until last Thursday. I can count on one hand how many times the same woman that told me to start the blog has commented. Yet I’m expected to do backflips when a certain blogger (I won’t put her out there like that) responds to her comment on his site. And it’s left me wondering why the people that actually know me in real life (with a few exceptions) are the ones that seem to have NOTHING for me as far as any kind of support is concerned? If I had to measure their support, it would be as useful as a training bra on CoCo with no underwire. (yep, I did just write that.) I love a retweet as much as the next person, but is the fact that they know me in real life the reason why a “good post” text or sumthin escaped their mind? Does that even make sense? I’m sure it does somehow, but it’s slipping my tired brain right now.

   My mother doesn’t even know what a blog is. One day she said, “so you just write down anything you want?” I told her, “yeah.” and that was the end of that conversation. She’s tried, but she’s never read anything that I’ve written. I’ve read two posts to her, and she stood in the hallway and smiled, but that was it. She doesn’t even know the page to find it on, so I doubt she’s worried I’m on here spilling family secrets. (I know she is, but she can’t find it, so it’s cool)

   I wonder why people that I’ve never met before are my biggest supporters. People who have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do this, or my full story are the ones that bless me daily (well, not daily, but you know what I mean). Even those that don’t have a comment might text me on the side and say something like, “I really felt your post today.” For that I am so thankful, and so grateful. Because obviously, those who have my number (and call me at 3 in the morning) are too busy to read anything that I could possibly write. I couldn’t possibly have anything of note to say. 

    As much as I love being there for people, I’m noticing that people will quickly become leeches if you let them. Time, energy, and money spent will hardly ever come back to you. Suffice it to say, I’ve had to let some people go. They’ve been bumped down a couple levels. They’re not even on the starting lineup anymore. I’ll let my momma punt the football before I depend on them to do it. Yes, it’s THAT serious! Starting with “Casper” and moving up the ladder to a guy that I used to call my best friend (and had asked to walk me down the aisle). This friendship is a barter system. You give something, you get something. Nope, I don’t even do Lay-a-way. *Folds arms defiantly*

   To those that don’t know me (like that) and yet still find the time (and energy, and keystrokes) to say something, “Thank you.” It’s funny when absolute strangers show the love that you wish family and friends would.

     Is this phenomenon just me?     

    Yes, I’m froggy as hell tonight… tired too..

     Peace and Love, Nick

21 Responses to “The Friendship Fail…”
  1. Get out of my brain! lol. I had a mentor recently tell me, “you can’t be afraid to lose people.” With that said, I stay pruning and it sucks, but it’s better for the spirit. Frenemies are bad for your health.

  2. Cheekie says:

    Yes, ma’am, Leeches are quite the widespread phenomenon. As for those who support you, it IS funny how people you’ve never met and/or only “know” through a computer can become your biggest forms of it. I’m experiencing that myself, of course. All, I know is, as far as friendship goes, it’s easy to utter the word, but it’s not as easy to practice it. I note those that practice friendship, not so much declare it.

    *hugs you*

  3. LaBakir says:

    Ah, Nickel…I totally feel you!!!

    I have plenty of friends who know I write, and only 1 of them really supports my blog. It’s mostly face to face talks about my writing and the direction of the blog and encouragement…but support none the less.

    I try to make it my business to support all the bloggers I’ve “met” b/c I know how important it is to me to know someone other than yourself appreciates your ish!

    Keep writing chica! And there needs to be a Part Deux of Florida so my black @ss can make it this time 🙂


  4. Qiana McKoy says:

    I’m happy to know that I’m not the only one who has “friends” that never read my blog. I’ve been going through a similar process with the group of people I have in my friendship circle, and while it sucks to see that the people you would do anything for don’t reciprocate that feeling, it’s a part of understanding who you are and what you will and will not accept from people, both in a friendship and in a relationship. Great post Nick! I’m a new fan!

    • nicknotnikki says:

      Hey!! Thanks for commenting.. It especially sucks when I’m on the phone talking up my people and/or going to their events just to show moral support.. When you realize that it only goes one way, it’s very eye opening..

  5. I feel you on this post Nick. Those ninjas I run with don’t ever read ish I write. If they do the savages don’t bother to either comment on my site or even mention that ish to me verbally. I know I suck but damn if don’t back them up on their wackness.

  6. Starita34 says:

    I’m totally going through the same thing. I was fixin to blame this on my age (no longer putting up with BS as an old fogey and all) but I know that you’re much younger than me, so that can’t be it…is it social networking? The thing that connects us to people hundreds of miles away, disconnects us to those close (in proximity) to us? I know I spend obscene amounts of time plugged into the Matrix online nowadays.

    I can’t call it. But I can definitely say that over the past 6 months, those that used to be the closest to me are now non entities in my life and that’s a tough thing to deal with.

    It makes me question “why?”. Especially since it all happened around the same time. Is it simply a case of “everything (and everyone) has it’s season”? I also question my e-relationships…are they so much easier because they are more one dimensional? Because we obviously share common interests or we wouldn’t have found each other and bonded over the innanets otherwise? What stronger connection could two people have than the mental connection that is so carefully cultivated when words are all you have?

    Things that make you say hmmmm…

    Really dug the post…wish I had less questions and more answers, but I don’t.

    Be encouraged, perhaps your IRL peeps just aren’t into the written word, it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but they have your back in other ways…it’s ok to get your needs met from several different sources.

    • nicknotnikki says:

      Much younger than you!?!? aww, that’s precious.. although, I highly doubt it..

      “What stronger connection could two people have than the mental connection that is so carefully cultivated when words are all you have?”
      When I read this sentence, the first thing I thought was “DAMN! that was written so beautifully..” then I had to go back and read it to decipher.
      I don’t know what it is.. Now that I’m lucid, I still have no idea..

      • Starita34 says:

        Actually you could be right about the age thing, I was thinking that you had said that you were turning 21 soon, but that was Sue…my bad.

        “What stronger connection could two people have than the mental connection that is so carefully cultivated when words are all you have?”

        I was just trying to say that although you could say that getting to know each other via text, IM, gchat, FB, twitter, blogs etc is lacking in a certain depth; you don’t get to experience a person’s mannerisms. Their tone, their inflection, their body language. That what it lacks in physicality it more than makes up for in emotional intimacy. There’s something about the written word and the anonymity of a computer that allows you to express yourself and make yourself vulnerable in a way that you may not if you had to speak those words to that person’s face. Writing gives you that extra millisecond before you hit send to think out and prune what you want to say, pick precisely the right words to convey what you are trying to get across. And the chutzpah to actually say it.

        Overly simplified and sexualized (because we can all relate to that right) example from my personal life: I get a major fail on dirty talk, I love it. I like hearing it I should say, but ask me to reciprocate and tell you what I’d like to do to you? Yeah…I sound like a bumbling, timid teenager with a supremely limited vocabulary. Total dirty talk #fail…in person…

        But my yahoo chat dirty talk game? ON. POINT. I could tell Him details that would make Kat Stacks blush re: what I’d like to do to him, parts that I missed about him, flavors and feelings and aches and yearning…

        All that to say, the real me? My real feelings? They came out much more easily, with much less abandon via yahoo chat. The most important relationship that I’ve had thus far in my life, was largely nourished through words on IM. We may not have had the physical at the time, but our emotional connection was multiplied a hundred fold by yahoo chat.

        You simply can’t discount the power of words and electronic bravery. (dang coulda just skipped those 4 lengthy paragraphs and said that huh?) 🙂

    • nicknotnikki says:

      GIRL!! I turned 32 in August!!
      and your analogy made perfect sense…

  7. sanen85 says:

    Starita’s last paragraph really struck a cord with me. The fact is that you do have to sometimes get different needs met by different sources. My advice is that if they have displayed their friendship in other aspects of life, don’t give up on them that quickly. If they have proven time and time again that they aren’t a real friend, that’s when it’s time to cut them loose.

    Also, I keep up with a lot of blogs but don’t usually have the time to comment much anymore. As someone (I believe Luvvie) said, not everybody wants a tweet/IM/email letting them know they read, and just prefer to get a comment on the site.

    • nicknotnikki says:

      The thing is that if I sit back and really think about it, they haven’t done anything else for me.. I recently told my mother that it’s all about the role that you play within the relationship.. At it’s core, isn’t “support” one of the main foundations of a friendship? What else is there if not that? Whether it be a comment, or someone picking up the phone when you’re actually calling them repeatedly..

      I often tell people, “don’t let me get used to you not being around..” I usually say that to dudes.. but it applies to friends too..

  8. sdukez says:

    You voiced this better than I did. I think I stopped doing it for artificial reasons and just blog for me now. My friends that have known me for years are not the ones that comment on my blog. They’ll see me drafting in their rooms but never look at a finished product. Hell, you guys have shown more support. But when traffic dies out (blogspot tells all), I shrug. I don’t care if people like it anymore. I think I’m just doing it for me now. I like writing from time to time, especially when it flows and isn’t forced. Support comes in text messages [and tweets before the leave] but I used to just appreciate comments. Now, *shurg* it’s no biggie. I do appreciate those of you that have stopped by. It makes my heart warm but like Sane said, I know some of you don’t have time.

    Great post Nick. I’m not a daily supporter but I definitely come back to catch up on all I’ve missed. hence the late comments 87% of the time.

  9. Capricorn says:

    Great post, Nickels.

    I’m going through the same thing IRL, one of my besties is being distant and I *think* I know why, but I dont want to get into it because I’m TIRED of being the SUPPORTER and when I am the SUPPORTEE, she cant/won’t/doesn’t want to do the same.

    ANYWHO, I appreciate your blog, and your willingness to put your thoughts out there. I enjoy reading them and knowing that I’m not as crazy as the voices in my head say I am. 😛

    Keep up the good work!

    • nicknotnikki says:

      That’s exactly it!
      I have a friend that went to the Air Force and came back from boot camp. She went into a depression, I called and called (sent word through her husband)and she didn’t want to speak to anyone. Months go by, she’s ready to talk, and I’m not. I was going through legal issues and just wanted to be by myself. What does she do? She calls and calls, and when I don’t call her back, she shows up at my house.. When she finally hears what’s been happening to me, she goes “and you went through all of that by yourself!”
      me: “Well, when I called my friend, she wouldn’t answer!”
      we talk now, but if I get arrested, I’d evaluate who got my first phone call..

    • nicknotnikki says:

      OH! I forgot to say “thank you”.. Over the weekend, I heard something that validated something I had been thinking for a while.. It’s always nice to realize that you’re not the only one and that you’re not loco all by yourself…

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