My Ode to Cereal. . . Redux
So, when I started out with the Nostalgic Fridays idea, I didn’t exactly think that I’d be thinking about food. Upon further inspection, I realize that food might be one of the things that can catapult me to a little girl. Yes, I realize that this is my second food post, but this one is a little different because I’m just focusing on one type of food.
Cereal… Yes, cereal.
Me and cereal go wayy back. It can be the cornmeal porridge that I got when I was a baby, or it can be those SUPER sweet ones that I had to beg Mommy Nick for. No, not Malt-O-Meal ones, I mean the REAL ones that had prizes. I wanted the decoder ring, my stickers, my paste on tattoos. I wanted it all. I wanted my milk to turn chocolatey and sugary. If that combination happened at the same time, that would be great too. Cereal is that breakfast that you eat early on Saturday morning while waiting for mom to wake up and make you real breakfast. Cereal is a meal, a snack, desert, everything. I’ll eat it dry, like candy. I’ll eat it over ice cream. I will eat it when there is nothing else in the house. All I need is $4.50 and I can get cereal and 1/2 gallon of milk. We’re good for the rest of the week.
You’d think there’d be nothing bad I could say about cereal, but there are some real “sucka m.c.” ones out there. I’d like to give you my “Ode to Cereal: Redux.”
Oh Frosted Flakes: I see you, with your concept so simple. Yet, the box I have in my friedge right now screams “bootleg.” Ironically, the brand from Target outdoes you, and for that I am sad.
Cinnamon Toast Crunch: I love you. The thought of you makes my molars sing. However, the minute that milk hits you, your sugar comes off faster than Peaches’ thong at King of Diamonds. I do not appreciate that. However, you taste great over my vanilla ice cream.
Capn’ Crunch: You are so lovely. The perfect combination of everything. Not too much sugar, the right flavor, and DON’T get me started on your Crunch Berries. Your shape though. *sigh* Your shape is a jagged situation, it’s ribbed, and not for my pleasure. Re-assess thy shape post haste.
Honey Bunches of Oats: You seem like the perfect idea. Like a sugar cereal that grown-ups can appreciate. You like to make us think that we’re being healthy without being Kashi-like. I like your commercial with the lady in the factory yelling “Anybody hongry!?” I find it cute. But the way your cereal acts when it hits milk is the way that penises act when cold water is around. You shrink, and get mushy and retreat. And like mushy penises, I don’t like that.
Honey Nut Corn Flakes: Am I sad that Kellogg’s discontinued you? Yes I am. Did I call the Kellogg’s offices to ask them where you’d gone? Yes I did. Did I go to New York, see you in a bodega and buy two boxes? Yes I did. My feelings were hurt. No, the honey corn flakes that are out now DO NOT compare! They’re a sad substitution. What made you great was the NUT (||) Am I the only one that bought this cereal? I’m not a betting person, but I’ll bet $7,000 Monopoly dollars that the answer is “yes.” *sigh*.. just mutha effin sigh.
Honorable Mention Award goes to: Rice Krispies
I don’t know what purpose you serve. I wish you had sugar (save your story about the frosted ones) I LOVE your “Snap, Crackle, Pop” guys. But the only time you deserve to be around is when you’re baked into a gooey square. I like that you make noise. I like that there could be 5 million of you in my bowl and it would only measure 1 cup. But you have no flavor, and something bout that don’t rock right. I love you, but just go ——>>> thataway…
*sigh* I love cereal. I can’t be any more blunt. I had to sing a love song to the food that brings me joy (and memories.) I’m not even gonna ask any questions, because I can die happy, knowing that I got my true love out for the world to see. Although you can tell me the cereal that makes you wish they’d issue a recall.
Yes, I really DID just write a whole post about cereal. I’m a foodie….. bitch..
Enjoy your weekend,
Peace and Love, Nick
(Yes, I realized I said “redux” I LOVE the way it sounds!)