I Love a Selfish Friend!
I don’t know if everyone has one. Maybe I’m just speaking from my personal experience. I have had a couple of selfish friends. They make me smile at the level of “ishness of self” they exhibit. I know that certain people shouldn’t be allowed to have friends. But honestly, if it wasn’t for the selfish friend, I wouldn’t look so fantastic (friendship-wise). I have a few stories, but I’m not doing this in story format. I’m just gonna cut to it and let you know how to recognize if you have a few selfish friends.. I understand everyone’s experiences may be different, and this list is solely based on mine.
1. Everything in LIFE is always about them.
It’s simple, honest, and straightforward. If whatever is being discussed isn’t about them, then they’ll quickly try to turn it around. This is totally different from the “center of attention” types. The center of attention types I can usually peep from across the room. The type I’m talking about will take a conversation about football and have it look like this:
Dude: “I can’t wait for the pre-season to be over. Then real football can start.”
Me: “I know, but by the time pre-season comes around, I’m usually so hard up for football that I’ll take anything. Besides, the Dolphins keep hurting my feelings every year. So the longer pre-season lasts, the longer I can live with the fantasy that they haven’t ‘lost’ yet”
Selfish friend: “I don’t watch football, but my ex-boyfriend kept on wanting me to. Can you believe that we’ve been broken up for 2 years. I really think that football was the reason we broke up, but I can’t wait til my next boyfriend because. . . (zzzz)
You see what happened right there? Instead of just finding a corner to hole up in or finding somewhere else to be, you had to find SOME way to get hold of a conversation that you obviously had nothing (nada) to contribute to. Meanwhile, I’m trying to find a way to apologize to dude because honestly, “Don’t judge me based off the company I keep! She wasn’t raised right, I swear!”
If said person isn’t able to turn conversation toward them, please be aware that they WILL turn salty. Suddenly they’ll be in a rush to go to other side of the room and/or leave the party (function,gathering).
2. They MUST be the center of attention.
I don’t know any other way to phrase it so I’ll give you an example. I was friends with a girl that had a certain protocol whenever we went to a party. The protocol went as such:
a: send text to promoter/dj ENSURING that we would get in free (I’m frugal, so this worked with me)
b: Phone Nick to start getting ready for party at about 12:30-1 in the morning! #WDDDA
c: Drive to party, but not want to take Nick’s car (even though it’s better on gas) because everyone MUST see how we rollin! Then complain about how much gas her car used. (A/C during a cold front type of stupid)
d: Park sexy car, bypass line and walk to head of line. Once there, text dj/promoter to come and retreive friend and Nick at head of line.
e: Walk in party, post up by wall or bar and wait. (“Wait for what?” glad you asked..)
f: Wait for the fan club to realize she was HERE! Soak in compliments and hugs from people excited to see her (and her silky hair) at said party.
This was the protocol EVERYTIME we went out. It didn’t matter if the banging reggae song was playing. She was posted up, sitting on a stool (depending on venue) waiting for everyone to realize she was in the building. It took me a while to figure out that I was just her “ride-along pal” until we got to where we were going. Once we got there, it was like:
Her: “This is my friend, Nick”
Dude: “Nice to meet you.”
Me: “We met last week.” (blank stare, along with crickets chirping and owls hooting..)
See, it was doomed from the start because I like to dance when I go out. But I’ve discussed that ad nauseum. So, I’ll leave that there..
3. They’re never there when you need them.
It goes without saying that a selfish friend is only out for self. In the right context, maybe such a personality trait can work. The fact that I can’t think about what that context would be should not negate the statement. The selfish friend is that friend that will call you with that mundane sh*t that means THEE world to them.
(Phone rings) Me: (rolling eyes) “Hello?”
Friend: “Oh my God girl! I’m SOO pissed right now!! I called so and so and he said that he heard from Derrick that he thinks I should cut my hair like Rihanna. What do you think?”
Me: “What? Look, can I call you back? I’m trying to write this blog post.”
Friend: *Sigh* “Fine, I guess. Since you don’t wanna TALK to me. I thought you were my friend and all”
Look, that’s really not it, but honestly, is THIS what you’re choosing to call me about? The next week my fiance’ and I break up (true story) and guess who I can’t call? Oh, you got THAT right. Even though I’m headed for self destruction (I really just started singing the song), we know that she’s not available until she calls me. If I’m in jail, guess who won’t get my first phone call? You cannot depend on the selfish friend to bring you cigarettes to use as currency. (Cuz we KNOW Big Bertha really runs that joint) On the flip side, if she hears from someone else that you got locked up, be ready to “get it” when you come out. Because we all know that the selfish friend NEEDS to have the good info first. She needs to be the one that everyone comes to when they need to know what’s up with who. She needs to be better than TMZ with her breaking news. You BETTNOT think different! #SomebodyShouldaToldYou
I gotta love the selfish friend. They make usual people that fail at friendships seem not so bad. It’s all about perspective. If you weren’t friends with “Lord God, God Awful!” then you KNOW that you wouldn’t be able to appreciate “Mediocre.” That’s just the way that cookie crumbles. What say you kind people? Is there anything that I forgot? Do you have any selfish friends? Heaven-forbid, are YOU a selfish friend? Do we talk on twitter? Because that might not bode well for me. But then again, you make me look good, so keep it up!!
Peace and Love, Nick
ps. that same selfish friend told me “I don’t like going to a party where I don’t know everybody.” #IRestMyCase
#Points. . . Blouses