Poor guy, He Failed…
Last weekend, I drove to the auto parts store to get my mother’s car some bulbs for her tail lights. I was dressed in cargo shorts, a white tank and some flip flops. We won’t talk about what my hair looked like, but let’s just say that the humidity came up and had slapped me sideways.
We go and talk to the guy behind the counter and my mother and I are hanging out. He says that he’s gonna put the bulbs in for us and I’m cool with that because it keeps me from having to do it when we get home. My mother goes outside to move the car closer and the guy behind the counter chats me up.
One day I’m going to write the little wack things that guys do to botch up scenarios, but that’s another post for another day.
He asks me if all my hair is mine. When I tell him “yes” he then asks if I have Indian in my family. (Yes he did) I tell him “negative” and he’s trying to figure out what I’m mixed with. (It’s Scottish, but he don’t need to know that). He says some other things that I think I’ve blocked out.
While he’s changing out my mother’s tail lights, he’s making small talk and the thing that put him in contention is the fact that I was standing out there in flip flops, getting bitten by West Nile mosquitos and he still wanted my number. I can appreciate the fact that he could look past the fact that I wasn’t trying.
That was last week….
Over the course of the week, dude has text me and rendered himself off the radar. Men, this serves as an inside look (not like you needed one) into the mind of a chick when you exhibit less than stellar follow-ups to the initial contact.
These are the ways that dude has stuck himself in the #Fail column.
(I’m more observant than most so noticing these were 2nd nature for me. I’m bringing them “front and center” for you to see)
1. He texts like “that.”
He’s that guy to type out a txt lyk this. We’ve have gone back and forth and discussed this ad nauseum. Anyone over 12 should NOT txt lyk dis. I’m an english major so things like that burn my eyes. It’s like that person that used to have seizures whenever they heard Mary Hart’s voice. He makes me want to buy him a dictionary. He makes me want to pay his internet bill so that dictionary.com is never unable to load. He makes me want to tutor him. “I before E, except after C.”
2. He has a signature.
Since the dawn of time, I’ve had an issue with signatures. Now I understand that this isn’t each woman’s issue, it’s just mine. After the initial communication, there’s only so many times that I need to see the same ending to each and every text. “Trial+Error=Luv” (check that spelling) And everytime I see it, I want to throw my own phone. Even worse than a signature is the signature that’s pseudo-philosophical. Stop trying to be all deep. It’s not a good look on you. What does his signature MEAN anyway. Can’t several things be substituted and it still make sense. Trial+Error=Luv. Trial+Error=An Invention. Trial+Error=A Wack Signature. Trial+Error= An angry Nick. Trial+Error= A Busted Kneecap. You see, they all work. His signature is like the greatest algebraic equation known to man. I retract my statement, he might not be such a dummy.
3. He said, “I wanna know all about you.”
I guess he should get a point (or somethin) for wanting to know about me. HOWEVER, how are you gonna ask me where I went to school and what I studied in college with a 160 character count. How are you getting all my autobiographics through text. In what parallel universe is that acceptable behavior? I’m in the Matrix, I FEEL it. I KNOW I took the wrong pill. I haven’t been set free! We already know how I feel about text conversations that have the potential to last all bloomin day. An “I wanna know all about you” text can’t lead anywhere positive. We can handle this in 1/2 an hour. All you had to do was dial.
4. He asked me out. By text.
This is self explanatory. “So when we gonna hang out?” was the text. In this day and age I understand that texting is what we’re doing now. I get it. However, my girl Max can attest, sometimes the phone just won’t allow us to be great. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve sent a text and she’s gotten it the next day. She’ll answer a question that I asked 7 days ago. His text could’ve ended up in cyber-space and he missed out on hanging with me. If this guy was REALLY serious about taking me somewhere, wouldn’t he just dial the numbers? He’s never heard my voice. He doesn’t know if my voice is all melodic like Janet Jackson, or shrill like Rosie Perez’. Aren’t these things important to people? Are you that lazy? Cuz honestly homeboi, that’s how I looked at it.
This poor guy. He’s fallen off the radar and he doesn’t even know it. He didn’t even make it to the phone call because his texts did him in.
I realize that what turned me off to this dude could very well light the next girl’s soul on fire. But honestly, as a 30 year old, aren’t there certain things that you shouldn’t do when trying to get to know someone? Was I too hard on him? What would you do, give him a chance? I really don’t think I want to. Guys, you don’t do this, right? I mean, COME ON!
You can become my teacher in the comments…..