The Florida Introduction..

Yeah, I got a map!

  There’s a song called, “Last night a DJ saved my life.” Let’s just say swap “DJ” with “WordPress” and that’ll be my song this morning..          

   On to the post..         

    I’d like to introduce you to a little enemy of mine called “Florida.” I realize that people in other areas (states) might feel like I cannot be speaking about the state, but TRUST ME, I am. I understand that this is only coming from a place of “crazy” and because they drank the Kool-Aid  don’t know any better. Florida has got everyone else fooled because the marketing people did their jobs and the rest of the U.S. thinks she’s all sunshine and water. Lies and Deceit! Now, before the tourism people try to picket outside my house, let me just say that Florida isn’t all bad, but I haven’t lived anywhere else since I was 2. I’m a little done with it. And Florida, “I’m putting you on notice.”     

I realize that God’s plan will supercede any plan of mine, but STILL!      

  Do I REALLY  have to put the disclaimer that I’m talking about S. FLorida? REALLY!?         

   In a twisted (and lucky) turn of fate (that I will write about later) I have several of my blogging friends (6-8 to be exact) coming here in October. It’s gonna be pure ratchetness and stupidity (in the best way possible) and I know you wish you were gonna be here. In true Nick fashion, and as a way to prep my peoples for what they’ll find in October, I’m giving you the list. List of what? How do you know you’re in Florida.       

1. Two different weather patterns down the same street. (road, boulevard, take your pick)        

  If you’re driving down the street in pouring rain, cross over two lights and you’re in the blazing sun, you’re in Florida. This is the place where Mother Nature comes to have her mood swings. Them moments when she’s on the rag. She’s confused, emotional, and exists for no other reason than to be upset one minute and cheerful the next.  She needs to pull it together.        

 2. You got lost.        

    I’m sure there’s a poll (or list) SOMEWHERE that states that the I-95 signs down here are the worst in the land. I cannot tell you how many times someone has gotten lost, ended up in “the city,” gone off a bridge or  just plain ended up in a ditch because the sign was posted AT the exit and not before  the exit. Those that get lost aren’t always tourists, it could just be me, trying to find the spot for that new party. And even though your car might say “Sunshine State” on the license plate and not “Quebec.” Don’t think that a driver STILL won’t honk your behind. We’ll just think the car is a rental and you’re a tourist anyway.        

3. 70 degrees is a cold front.        

   This is self explanatory. If you wanna see “sublimely crazy” then catch Florida when we got a cold front. Never again will you see more people bundled up. During this time you can often tell all the tourists that’s here because they’re the ones in the shorts and flip flops looking around like everyone else has lost their mind. There’s no beach on the menu when it’s 70 degrees (and below) outside. We actually had a few days this year where it was about 55 AND rainy. I can’t tell you how many pieces of clothing I wore downtown that day. I won’t outline it, but I stopped counting at 7.        

4. You got cussed out for not speaking spanish.         

   I’m not sure where else this happens, and I won’t put my own spin on it. (It’s entitlement!) But I have been nowhere else where I have gotten cussed out (bi-lingually too!) for speaking English. How dare I speak the language that (even though not stated) might as well be declared the official language of the US. Now, not a lot of people know this, but I DO speak spanish. However, I don’t speak it like a spanish person. And I LOVE the minute that they ask if you speak spanish (in English), I say “un poquito” (a little) and they are OFF to the races. They launch into everything and it sounds like the bushmen in “The Gods Must Be Crazy”. So with that said, I do not speak spanish. Don’t ask. Learn English. At least let me see you try and I’ll help you along.        

 5. For the ladies: If your hair didn’t make it to the car.          

   Nothing turns your hair from This to This faster than some Florida humidity. Matter of fact, I personally welcome the cold fronts because it’s one of the few times that my hair behaves. But with that comes the fact that if you wear a skullie (like I do) then you end up like this. So basically, you wrap that bish in a ponytail and pray for Mother Nature to get a tall cup o  “Ack right!”       

6. For the men: You find the urge to wear nothing but wife beaters and basketball shorts.        

   Florida heat is THAT bad. You’ll start looking for ways to make sure your man bits are ventilated. You can go from “damn, this house is cold.” to “I got sweat runnin down my arms.” in four seconds flat.* All you have to do is go outside. You start thinking of ways to stay inside. You want to call in to work. When pookie asks if you can fix his car, you start thinking of ways to drive it into the living room so you’re not outside. You don’t fault your woman for wearing her hair up, “Baby girl, I understand. You can go bald and I’d STILL understand.” And you might get like me, if I can’t get the errand done before the sun comes out, then it gets done after the sun has gone in. #Nuffsaid         

 7. If you tell your friends, “I’m south” and they say, “Oh, where in Georgia are you?”         

   This is something that I got hip to not too long ago. Florida is NOT considered the south to anyone outside of Florida. Now, I realize that this is a gross generalization, but let’s just say I haven’t met the person that thinks it is. It’s like Florida is it’s own entity. It’s the land that time forgot. The south won’t claim it. I think it’s because when General Custer was doing his thing (in GA), The indians were doing their thing (in FL) and now the southern family won’t even adopt us.** We have to come up with different names for Florida, “Bottom of the Map.” “305” “Ft. Liquordale, Miyamuh.” all to give the state some identity so we don’t feel like stepchildren. But we are.         

  I’m sure there’s other things that I can add (like wack parties) but I think the post is long enough. What about those that have visited? Have you seen very specific “Florida-ness” that made you shake yo damn head? For those that haven’t visited (yet) is there any specific ways that I would know I was in your state? (because I plan on visiting soon and verry soon) Also, if you’re planning on coming down here (and hanging with me) you better get it crackin because I’m drafting divorce papers for me and Florida RAHT NAH!!         

  Peace and Love, Nick         

  * This test was done by those same people that do the tests on cars. Then they make statements like “0-60 in 5 seconds.” Yeah, THEM people..         

 ** This statement may or may not be true. BUT I personally think it’s a great hypothesis. Then again, since I thought of it, I may be biased.

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Comments
8 Responses to “The Florida Introduction..”
  1. Richard Brown says:

    You know you can’t leave Florida…what would hurricane season be without you…LOL

  2. Karolina says:

    The only thing you forgot to mention is that we live in what is largely considered to be the penis of the whole country. Everything else I totally agree with. 🙂 Hope your migrane went away ❤

  3. I’ve been to Orlando, Tampa, and Daytona Beach. Only spent enough time to have a nice vacation, so I got the tourist experience.

    You’re definitely right about #7. When people talk about the South, Florida never comes to mind, at least for me. I don’t know what yall are.

  4. DG says:

    First time commenter (you’re a talented writer, girl…keep it up)…

    Anyway, I concur w/ 1, 3, 5 & 6. As for #7, FL is DEFINITELY part of the south…I’m from GA, and I’ve never known anyone who doesn’t consider ya’ll as part of the dirty dirty…having said that, S. Florida (MIA, in particular) is much different than the rest of the state and the south in general. I think that’s where the difference may lie. Hell, lots of folk in south GA and north FL are not only related, they got the same accents. Miami, on the other hand, has more of an international (i.e., Caribbean/Latin) vibe overall…the ppl, the culture, S. Beach…you don’t really see that anywhere else in the South.

  5. Courtney says:

    This post is hilarious. I spent many a summer in Florida with my aunt and uncle and I consider myself to be one-fourth Floridian. And they moved a LOT so I’ve been everywhere. Let’s see, they started in Tallassahee. Which smelled weird. Then it was Boca Roton, then West Palm, then a brief stay somewhere that I can’t remember, then Miami. Then somewhere outside Miami. And I have family in Jacksonville. But Jacksonville is like the southernmost city in Georgia IMO…

    I concur on all points but I did always enjoy my temporary stays there. I’ll still take Florida over just about any other place in the union, though I’m not nearly as enamored with the state as I was as a kid.

  6. sanen85 says:

    Why 6-8. Do we seriously not have everyone locked down yet? Is it Cheekie causing all the trouble?

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