Don’t Piss on my Parade..

   I have an aunt. We’ll call her “Diane.” Diane met my boyfriend (now my ex) at Christmas dinner eight years ago. My ex and I have been broken up for four years (you do the math). I spoke to Diane last night and she went in (as she always does) “You could’ve been married to what’s his name.” “You could’ve had a little baby girl by now.” As I always do, I explained to my aunt that my ex was NOT the one for me, and after all this time, I shouldn’t have to keep on explaining. It doesn’t matter how much sense it made to marry him, I knew I couldn’t and I just can’t explain why. I just felt it.
   Months ago, Seattle Washington wrote a post called “Corporate Mercenary.” Something about the post spoke to me on a level I wasn’t prepared for. I printed it out, and if the post isn’t on my desk, it’s in my planner and I read it often. It summed up a lot of things that I’ve been thinking for a good portion of my life. I even sent him a message telling him “thank you.”

  My situation is a unique one. It doesn’t allow me to hold a “normal” job or access a lot of the things that people take for granted. In this day and age, when even those most qualified cannot find work, it’s considerably hard for someone like me. Even in the midst of all these hiccups, things still pop up. Gigs that allow me to line my pockets with some change. Because I don’t know when they’ll pop up again, I’m extremely frugal. (Extremely!) 
  Two weeks ago, I got called in for a job. An actual job that will allow me the come-up I’ve been waiting on for years. I finally felt like I might be getting on even level with those around me. I’ve always been behind, hoping to catch up to my peers. As I interviewed, the owner of the company (it’s a marketing firm) asked me what I wanted to do with my life. I didn’t lie, I told him that I wanted to write. I have visions of writing books and going on book tours. I love writing because it’s an outlet. It’s whatever I need it to be at the moment I need it.  Mad, Sad, or Glad.
   I was sitting home over the weekend and I realized that while I valued the job and the potential money that could be made, I can’t do it. It’s not something that makes sense, it’s just something I know. And just like I knew I wasn’t supposed to marry my ex, I know I can’t work for someone else. I know somewhere deep within me that if I allow myself to keep this job, once again I will be pushing my dream aside. I’m tired of making other people wealthy. At what point do I start to live for me? I know that if I keep this job that I’ll run the risk of staying in Florida. I suffer from extreme loyalty and I know that if push came to shove, I would feel indebted to them because they took a chance on me when they could’ve hired someone else. I’m afraid that one day I’ll wake up and my dreams have been tucked away in the recesses of my mind. I’m scared that if I let too much time pass, I won’t even remember what my dreams were.
   Faith doesn’t make sense. That’s why it’s called “faith.” I’m not gonna quote scripture to you or anything, but I will say that I’m taking a leap. I’m holding my breath and plugging my nose and leaping from the cliff. It’s scary and exhilarating at the same time. But there comes the moment when you realize that you’re not sure whether or not your parachute is gonna open in time before the “splat.” It’s not logical but all I ask from those around me is that they understand what I’m doing and acknowledge my choice. Acknowledge my option to do what they never dared to do. I’m beginning to see the way that God has orchestrated my life to bring me to precisely this moment. He’s been setting up the chess board for a very long time. My friend Karine once told me, “we’re in a crazy position, we can do what we want when we want. How many writers say that they would write all day but because of responsibilities, they need to take a job and don’t have the time? You have nothing but time.”
   Like Quasimodo, her words rang the loud bell in my spirit. 
   And so I begin. 
   I don’t know where the path leads, all I know is that sometimes I’ll walk it alone. I can’t lie, most of the time I prefer it. I’ve had to explain my thoughts to my mother, my aunt, and several other people. Is there anything better than getting paid for something that you love to do? How many people out there can actually claim that? Did our responsibilities put our dreams in a choke hold and squeeze tighter? Do you do what you’re passionate about or just what you’re good at? If you had the freedom, what would you do?
   Here’s hoping your life is full….
    Nick

  

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Comments
10 Responses to “Don’t Piss on my Parade..”
  1. MsEsquire77 says:

    Nick, I love you and I support you in whatever you do. Keep on writing and I'll keep on reading. You are in my heart and in my prayers :)"Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart." Psalm 37:4

  2. Cheekie says:

    GREAT POST. It spoke to me, loud and clear. You fabulous.Oh, and this:"I suffer from extreme loyalty and I know that if push came to shove, I would feel indebted to them because they took a chance on me when they could've hired someone else."Girl, this is me. It's because we Leos! My coworker (a fellow Leo, b-day a day before mine) said a fantastic quote that rings very true, "We're Leos, we give and give, but don't you DARE take from us." TRUTH dot motherlovin' com. I am definitely a giver and very loyal. I can get hurt because of it at times, but hell that's me. It's all lessons learned.Anyhow, yeah, I have a day job. Corporate world. Not my dream job by any means. Thankful I have it. I do try to write my scripts (outside of bloggins) as much as I can…because hell, it's a second job! Even thought blogging is less serious, it feels like a second job as well. I have to learn how to put myself on a deadline with my screenwriting just as I do with blog writing (but like I said, the latter is easier)…but treat it as a real job. Even if you ain't gettin paid for it. You'll get real results.I support you always, you know that.

  3. Sukez says:

    I've been motivated by you ladies on a regular basis but if this post didn't do it, I dunno what else did. I'm smiling from ear to ear wishing you the best because I don't know if you know, but this just made my day. I swear on everything I love. I agree with Shon. Your writing is amazing. You think a lot (I can tell, even if it's obvious) and I was asking about this in a post I did about writing. I'm glad you love it and want to profit from it. I'm gonna be your #(insert number) fan. I don't know who called it before me. Can I be your #2? =) Amazing post

  4. keisha brown says:

    for the past few years, i've been extremely blessed to love what i do. i sometimes dont like where i do it, or the people that i do it with, but have always loved my work. while im working in the field i'm going to be a success in, i know (and deep down my bosses know this too), that im not in the location im going to be in forever. but i am in a great position to learn from people who know the industry and can provide me with references that will take me places (if i should decide to stay in the city). funny thing though about a leap of faith is how i got here. i left my last job because my bosses were giving me ulcers. despite the fact that i did my job very well. i sent out my resume to 35 companies (cold) and signed up to do a menial job for less money, less security and no benefits. after 4 months, i was job hunting again because i hated what i was doing. but then, an opportunity for me to prove myself was presented, and i haven't looked back since. i even leapfrogged past the chick who's been here a year longer than i have, hold my own files, have my own clients, make my own apts etc.. i know my potential and my bosses see it in me. but the future is unknown. i know where i want to be (nyc – working for the nfl), but fear trumps faith everytime. realism also has a say (the us economy). i too am a leo, and while leaving my friends and everything i know is one thing.. my fam (more specifically my mom..) is another. funny thing if she knew she was the reason im holding myself back…this post (to quote nas) never on schedule, but is right on time…ps: Nick, i have friend who looks at their surroundings to determine where they think they should be. dont do it. you will make yourself crazy. their timeline is not your timeline (#notwitter). God has specific plans for you. As a soon-to-be 31 yr old woman..I could kick myself for not being in a relationship, not owning a car, not owning a house..or i can relish in the fact that should the NFL call me..i can without a question pick up and leave. i can travel without worrying about anyone etc.. PPS: Im proud of the fact that you stayed true to youself in the interview. It would have been really easy to give the company line. If I were that person, I'd hire you based on that. Anyone can have an education, or even great job experience. What would win me over is drive and passion. PPPS: sorry for the length of post.

  5. "I'm beginning to see the way that God has orchestrated my life to bring me to precisely this moment. He's been setting up the chess board for a very long time."When you come to that realization, you're able to really free yourself and move forward without fear. Uncertainty, but not fear. You know what you love and what drives you and I'm glad you're gonna be taking the steps necessary to see your dreams come true. You have the passion, the support of people who care, and the Lord to see you through it. You've got everything you need so go ahead and walk the path that was made for you.

  6. max says:

    I'm fortunate (or unfortunate) enough to be the kind of person who does not need to be fulfilled by what I do in order to have a happy life. If I like my job that's great. If not…well I like the autonomy and freedom my job affords me. I don't look to a day job to fulfill me in that way. I do however understand the inclination to make a living out of that which makes your life. And I think we never go wrong in life if we pursue what makes us happy. So if you love writing and if writing is what's ordained for you, it will fall into place…whether you want it to or not.

  7. though im not into my career yet, i KNOW without a doubt that i want it to not just be something i'm good at, but something im passionate about and something i am content in. but the KEY is exactly what you said–faith. believers have to know and ACT in their faith in God. because He wont just bring us to something, but through it as well. and its so easy to give ourselves credit when we overcome our obstacles, not recognizing it was God. theres a lesson to be learned in all things and once we get it, we are truly blessed.i wish you ALL the best nick nick and i know your breakthrough moment is awaiting you. God's just waiting for the right time.

  8. Reecie says:

    "I'm fortunate (or unfortunate) enough to be the kind of person who does not need to be fulfilled by what I do in order to have a happy life. If I like my job that's great. If not…well I like the autonomy and freedom my job affords me. I don't look to a day job to fulfill me in that way."Ditto Max. I also live by "do what you have to do, in order to be able to do what you want to do" to an extent.I agree with the commenter that we all make moves in our own timeline and everybody's path is different. Best wishes to you Nick.

  9. I have faith in you because you seem sound in your logic and how in touch you are with your heart. Listen to that because only you know what's right for you.Before I get too deep or spit more cliches, just know that you're doing the right thing. Best to you Nick. Sidenote – Kinda touched that one of my posts could inspire you a little.

  10. shay-d-lady says:

    Great Post Nick. I totally feel you,and like someone said earlier you gotta do what works for you.I wish you well and if your writing in this blog is any indication, you have a bright future ahead.

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